The Tale of an Idiot and her Genie
by WanderingTeen
Summary: Okay, this is just something I randomly wrote for no reason. It's inspired by a book I read when I was younger, but I can't remember the name. Also, it's a bit of a mockery of fairytales.
1. The Tale of an Idiot and her Genie

**Of Pirates and Boyfriends… **

We all, by now, are well aware of the adventures that Maggie and her genie, Kazoo, have had. Not much time has passed since the two met. But Kazoo has spent enough time with Maggie to know that any amount of time with the little idiot was unhealthy.

So, he was surprised and, admittedly, confused when she came home from school one day with a strange glitter in her eye and announced, "I have a boyfriend!"

In fact, he was so surprised that he fell from his chair.

"WHAT?"

"I have a boyfriend." She twirled a strand of hair around her finger as he spoke. "He's taking me to see the second Pirates of the Caribbean movie tonight."

"… Is he insane?" Kazoo asked.

"Not that I know of. Oh, Kazoo, I'm so excited! I'm going to have so much fun. I'd better get ready. La, la, la!" With that, she bounded off like a great stupid gazelle.

Kazoo cocked his head in a wondering way, wondering how in the heck the little bimbo found herself a man. But, when the boy in question arrived at the doorstep two hours later, he could guess.

The boy in question was about six feet tall, thin as a rail with blond hair and empty blue eyes, and a hint of facial hair beginning to appear on his chin and lips. He was dressed as a pirate, gold belt buckle in all, and when he grinned, two gold teeth showed.

"Ahoy, mate!" the boy said, walking into the house without even being invited, "I be Captain John Robin, king of the seven seas. Argh!"

Unfortunately, a few drops of spit flew out of John's mouth, along with his proclamation, and Kazoo gave him a salty sort of stare while he wiped it off. "Lovely…"

"Oh, John!" Suddenly, Maggie ran down the stairs, dressed like a pirate wench, "I've been looking foreword to this forever. You look handsome!"

"Why, thank ye, luv." John grinned. "You don't look too bad yourself, eh?"

Kazoo sighed. "Yes, well, I believe you know the drill. Have her back at a reasonable time, yada yada…" he pushed the two out of the nouse. "BEGONE, FOUL TEENAGERS!"

He locked the door behind them. The house was still, strangely so. Kazoo was used to Maggie's idiotic ramblings at this hour.

"I'm free," he breathed. Raising his hands to the heavens, he repeated, "I'M FREE!"

-

Fifteen minutes later, Maggie came back to the house, mascara smeared over her cheeks, hair in a tangled mess over her shoulder, visibly disgruntled.

Kazoo groaned. "Aren't you supposed to be out with that idiot boy?"

"No." she plopped down beside him. "He wrecked my night."

"How so?"

"He called my 'bonny lass'." She growled.

Kazoo blinked at her. "What?"

"He called me 'bonny lass'!" she fumed. "How dare he?"

"… Do you… even know what 'bonny lass' means?" Kazoo asked.

"No." she replied.

"… Then why are you insulted?"

"BECAUSE HE DIDN'T SAY IT LIKE CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW SAID IT!" She screamed. "He made it sound all weird and teenagerie! It sucked." She made a sighing noise and settled back down as Kazoo inched away from her. "I wish Captain Jack Sparrow was here with me."

Kazoo's eyes widened. "No. Not that drunk fool. You can't! You mustn't-" but he automatically began to grant her wish. And, momentarily, Jack Sparrow was in the room with them.

His hair was ratty as ever, covered by his sexy tri-cornered hat and red bandana. His clothed where filthy and he held a bottle of rum in one hand. His boots where leaving muddy prints on the beige carpeting, but Maggie didn't care.

"OH MY GOD, CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW!" She screamed.

Jack only just seemed to notice her then. Giving her his half-smile and tilting his head in that way that he had, he said, "Allo, luv."

Maggie exploded with movement at that moment, speaking in a high voice that no one understood and dragging Jack along with her to her room. Kazoo winced as their tramping feet could be heard going up the stairs and he regarded the muddy footprints with distaste.

"This can't end well." He muttered.

-

**Oh, do I detect a two-part chapter? Or something along those lines?**

**Hey, my loyal reviewers, I'm back. I won't be updating often by any means, but I will update occasionally. I feel like I've aged so much over the summer!**

**I've gained a new obsession: Pirates of the Caribbean, and, more importantly, Davy Jones. He's awesome and I don't care what you say!**

**Well, I've updated, so I beleive that deserves a review. I'll be expecting at least three emails in my inbox by tomorrow!**


	2. The GoldPainted Toilet Seat

**The Gold-Painted Toilet Seat**

Well, apparently I'm updating this. Go figure.

Nosilla: Yes. To bad it didn't work.

Uru: I ALREADY UPDATED IT!

Disco-Dancing on the Roof: … okay then…

Tsuyayaka: Why, thank you!

-

And so, we left our poor, unfortunate Kazoo with Maggie and her not-so evil stepmother of birth motherly ways. Kazoo had been there for about three months and was, as you would probably expect, loosing his MIND!

And, of course, it didn't help that the Authoress decided that she would send in an evil friend for Maggie, who was loosely (ha, no. More like exactly) based on her evil friend. Who was, at the moment, playing with the Quebec moose attached to the Authoresses purse and pressing the number keys at random moments.

29178462385723745682436525

But I digress…

The friend who came over was pure unbridled evil. And with her, she brought another girl based on another one of the Authoresses friends. Who was less evil and a little more frightened of Kate. But both of them were, obviously, smarter than Maggie. As is about 98 of the world's population.

So, the evil one, Kate, and the not-so-evil one, Mel, knocked on the door of Maggie's house at precisely 3:06:28 pm on a warm Wednesday evening.

Kate's curly brown hair was back in a ponytail and her innocent-looking brown eyes gazed patiently at the door. She wore a bright orange sweater and a pair of dark denim jeans. Anyone who glanced at her would have been _tricked_ into thinking that Kate was a normal girl… until they got to know her.

Mel's blond shoulder-length hair was straight and glinted slightly in the sun. Bright blue eyes flickered between the door and Kate, looking slightly frightened behind their black-rimmed glasses. She wore a grey sweater and a pair of blue jeans as well.

"Knock." Kate commanded.

Mel knocked meekly upon the door.

Inside the house, Maggie looked up. "KAZOO!"

The purple genie in question sighed. "Yes?"

"My evil stepmother isn't home right now and I can't open the door. And I think my friends are at the door right now. So will you open it?"

Kazoo stared at her. "Are you telling my that you don't know how to open the door?"

"IT'S TO HARD!" She whined.

Kazoo winced, his once bright-emerald eyes registering his defeat. "Alright." And so, Kazoo went to the door and opened it, barely glancing at the two figures.

"Please come in." he muttered, "Maggie will be down in a minute."

Kate glared at him and punched Mel in the arm. "Who is he?"

"I don't know!" Mel whimpered.

"THEN ASK HIM!" Kate growled.

"OKAY, OKAY!" Mel looked up at Kazoo with pleading eyes. "Who are you?"

"… I'm Kazoo…"he muttered.

"Kazoo who?" Kate demanded.

" … The genie…"

"HELLO, HELLO!" Maggie cried, running down the stairs like a bat out of hell. "Okay, so, does anyone know why I invited you all here?"

"I was told there would be ketchup chips." Kate muttered coldly.

"Kate said if I didn't come, I'd be killed." Mel whimpered.

"You're both wrong. WE'RE HAVING A PARTY!" Maggie proclaimed.

"But… why?" Mel asked.

"BECAUSE IT'S KAZOO'S THREE MONTH ANIVERSARY!" Maggie shouted.

At that moment, the three sets of eyes set themselves on Kazoo, who was slowly backing away and regarding them in distaste.

"And that matters because…?" Kate demanded.

"Because I love him and he's my friend!" she shouted, throwing her arms around the purple man in question.

Kazoo wrinkled his nose and tried to peel her skinny little arms off of him. "Um… no thank you…" he said.

"Please, Kazoo!"

"I should have killed you and just gone to prison when I had the chance…" he muttered.

"What's that?" Maggie asked.

"Nothing."

"I could help…" Kate said, her eyes glittering in amused interest.

"… I don't want to die…" Mel whimpered.

"Come into the kitchen!" Maggie cried. "I have a cake, and punch, and a present!"

Kazoo's heart softened slightly. She couldn't be all that bad if she went to all the trouble of planning him a party and getting him a present… right?

"Alright… maybe for a little while…" he murmured.

"I… was promised… ketchup chips…" Kate growled.

"It's all there!" Maggie said in a cheerful fashion. "Come on!"

And so, Maggie led the two girls and the genie into the kitchen. True to her word, there was a cake with shiny icing, purple punch (in honor of her bestest-best friend in the world, she said), a bag of ketchup chips and a gift wrapped in gold wrapping paper.

Kate dove into the room and snatched up the ketchup chips. "These are mine and no one elses." She snapped. "Anyone who touches them will be killed in a very painful fashion!"

"… I'LL NEVER TOUCH THEM!" Mel promised.

"Cake first!" Maggie proclaimed, and thus, she handed Kazoo one of those spatula-knife-things that people usually use to cut cake. "Happy three month anniversary!"

Kazoo grinned. Well, this wasn't so bad. It wasn't so bad at all. "Happy three month anniversary." He said, and then tried to cut the cake.

It wouldn't cut.

"Erm… I think you overcooked this a bit…" he said.

"What?"

"The cake. It won't cut." He explained.

"But I didn't cook it…" Maggie mused.

Kazoo raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"I didn't cook it. I found it in my toy box." She explained.

His eyes widened. "WHAT?"

Mel gingerly poked a finger at the cake. "Um… Maggie?"

"Yes?"

"The cake is plastic…"

"WHAT?" Kazoo shouted.

Kate cackled loudly.

"Does that mean we can't eat it?" Maggie asked in confusion.

"Of course we can't eat it, you idiot!" Kazoo shouted.

Maggie blinked slowly, her face blank.

"That means no."

She blinked again.

"Maggie?"

Nothing.

He sighed. "Lets just have some punch…"

"Yay!" Maggie shouted, and then she poured a large glass of purple punch. It frothed slightly as it came to the top of the glass and she handed it to him. "Happy anniversary!"

"… Happy anniversary…" Kazoo sighed, and then he took a sip of the drink.

And spat it out.

"This is disgusting!" He cried. "What's in it?"

"Purple stuff." She replied.

"What kind of purple stuff?"

"Well, I squeezed some purple grapes in for purple grape juice, but it was kind of yellowy, so I filled it up with water and mixed in some purple food coloring. Then I wanted to make it bubbly, right? So I added some purple dish soap!"

Kazoo just stared at her.

"You," Kate spat, "Are an idiot.

Mel whimpered in agreement. But that's just because Kate slapped her in the head.

"Alright," Maggie said, "On to the presents!"

"Actually," Kazoo said, "I think I'll pass…"

Maggie's eyes filled with tears. "Please? I worked so hard on it…"

He sighed. "Fine. Where is it?"

She handed him the present. "Happy anniversary!"

"Right… right…" he ripped open the paper and looked inside, expecting something terrible…

And he just stared.

And stared.

And stared some more.

Inside the box was a gold toilet seat.

"Um… what is this?" he asked.

"Well, when we first met, you said you wanted a gold painted-toilet seat." Maggie explained. "And her it is!"

"I asked for a gold _plated_ toilet seat…"

"Same difference." She gazed at him hopefully. "So, do you like it?"

"Um… sure…" Kazoo reached into the box and gingerly gripped the gleaming toilet seat between his thumb and index finger, pulling it out. He noticed gold paint drying along the edges of the box.

Maggie had put it in while it was still wet.

"HAPPY ANIVERSARY!" She screamed.

He sighed. "Happy anniversary…"


	3. The First 11th Day of School

The First 11th Day of School

This is by Marianah's sister. She read my fic and liked it so much that she had to write a fic about it. Go figure.

Muahahaha: Um… thank you?

-

Here we are again with another story of Maggie and her beloved genie, Kazoo (Kazoo didn't feel the same way as she did about him). But so far Maggie is just starting another school year and was very shocked (for the 11th time). The teacher actually made her write a full sentence in English (and not just scribbles). At lunch she actually had to wait for the microwave (which took her several minutes to find) to warm up her purplish potato from her Brittany Spears lunch box, and when a boy in Science class asked her what that purple thing on her shoulder was and why it had a paper bag on it's head, she yelled out as loud as she could, "HE'S MY GENIE!" Then, her evil science teacher (who wasn't really evil at all) had a talk with her in the hall for three whole minutes, asking her very difficult questions, like: "What's your name?" "How old are you?" and "Are you sure you're in eleventh grade?" After several attempts to answer the difficult questions, she managed to say that her name was Maggie, she was eleven years old and in grade sixteen. After becoming very puzzled, the teacher thought that he had better send the disoriented child home.

Maggie sat in the office with Kazoo at her side. Kazoo was looking up at the ceiling with his palms held upward. He was mouthing the words: "Why have you put me here? What have I done?" After waiting several years (which was really only ten minutes), her not-so-evil-not-so-stepmotherly evil stepmother came to pick her up.

"They made me do horrible things!" Maggie said in a demented voice.

"That's called schoolwork, honey." Said her not-so-evil, not-so-stepmotherly evil stepmother "And you're going to have to deal with it for a while."

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Maggie screamed while her mother mouthed: "I'll take her home now," to the secretary.

As they were in the car, Maggie's not-so-evil-not-so-stepmotherly evil stepmother was wondering if she could get away with putting Maggie up for adoption and just raise Kazoo instead. As she was pondering this, Maggie sat in the back seat staring at Kazoo and asking him, "Does thins mean that I don't have to go to school anymore? And never have to wait in line for the microwave? And never have to write a sentence or answer any of those hard question that that evil teacher asked me, whose name I can't remember?"

Kazoo just sat there thinking 'Maybe if I don't respond, she'll leave me alone.' But, of course, Maggie continued to badger and annoyingly harass Kazoo all the way home. This gave Kazoo something depressing to talk about at 'Club Genie', the night club where genie's talk about their issues, that evening.

A week later, at Club Genie, Kazoo preceded to tell the other genies about how he got tangled into staying with "the Demon" (He was talking about Maggie.) forever and about how she mistook gold-plated for gold-painted and how she would hug him and make him have tea with her and her deformed stuffed animals.

"Whoa," said another genie who had just been kicked out by his genie wife. "And I thought I had issues." This made Kazoo feel even worse about his situation, so he left early and watched "I dream of Genie" on the late, late show.


	4. Tutoring for Maggie

**Tutoring for Maggie**

Disclaimer: I do not own the story that spawned this story. But, I do own Maggie and her friends and Kazoo.

-

Maggie wasn't doing all that well in math. In fact, she was failing. She had a ten percent average. And she was taking grate ten consumer math while she was supposed to be in grade eleven. Unfortunately, the teachers wanted to get her our of school as soon as they could so they were just letting her take the same classes over and over again until she had all her credits.

"Stupid poop math." Maggie muttered.

"Perhaps a tutor could be of assistance." Kazoo suggested as he looked over her newest test. The mark? Negative three. She got all the questions wrong and lost marks by misspelling her name.

"A TUTOR?" Maggie shouted, giving him a horrified look. "ARE YOU _MAD_? TUTORS ARE EVIL! THEY MAKE YOU WORK!"

"Maggie," Kazoo said, his voice gentle, "I think it would be in your best interest to get a tutor."

"But I don't want to."

He sighed. "Please?" Poor Kazoo had had enough of her antics in math. It was getting to the point where it was embarrassing when she fumbled up questions like, "What does four point eight nine round up to?"

"… I don't know…" she murmured.

"Just try it." He suggested. "You'll benefit from it, I promise."

-

So, Maggie sighed up for a tutor. When the time came to meet the girl, however, Kazoo felt that he had underestimated Maggie's situation drastically.

The girl in question was named Erika (and is the authoress putting her younger self into the story for the heck of it). She was about five feet tall, had short, spiky brown hair, and had silver braces with different colored elastics across her teeth. She wore a brown skirt, a black Phantom of the Opera t-shirt, and glasses with thick red frames over glaring brown eyes framed with deep purple eyeliner. On her feet where black converse runners with a picture of the Phantom's mask drawn on the left one in white out. She looked as though she were about thirteen years old.

"You're the idiot failing math?" Erika asked.

"That's me!" Maggie shouted gleefully. "And this is my genie, Kazoo!"

"… Hello." Kazoo muttered.

"Whatever." Erika sighed, pulling a hand through her already-messy hair. "Lets get this over with quickly. I need to write another chapter for fan fiction before five.

"What's fan fiction?" Maggie asked.

"It's for smart people, sweetie." Erika muttered, "I don't think you'll understand it."

Kazoo raised an eyebrow. He was beginning to like Erika…

"Oh…" Maggie blinked. "Okay!"

"Alright, so…" Erika pulled Maggie and Kazoo to a secluded place in the school. "What is it that you have trouble with in math?"

Maggie stared at her for about sixty seconds with a blank look in her eyes and her mouth hanging open. Finally, her face lit up and she cried, "Anything with those silly numbers!"

"She can't count past twenty-five." Kazoo offered.

"Oh my Opera Ghost…" Erika shook her head. "Erik, help me…"

"Who's Erik?" Maggie asked.

"My idol and sometimes Imaginary confidant." Erika glared at her. "What's it to you?"

"Wow! Imaginary friends are FUN!" Maggie shouted.

Erika turned and looked at Kazoo. "You grant wishes, right?" she asked.

"Yes."

"I wish Maggie was dead."

"Oh, well… I'm afraid I can't… kill anyone…" he explained.

"Oh…" Erika thought for a moment. "I wish Maggie was bleeding profusely from a gaping head wound."

Kazoo sighed. "I can't do that either…"

"I wish you were actually useful."

"Well, now you're just being spiteful."

"MUFFINS!" Maggie shouted.

Erika glared at her and suddenly came up with an idea. "I wish that his sexy highness, O.G., the Phantom of the Opera, was here right this moment."

Kazoo blinked at her. "The who and the what now?"

"The Phantom. Of the Opera. You know, deformed, sexy, great voice…" Erika sighed happily.

"I don't know if…"

"DO IT!" She screamed.

"What?" Maggie asked.

"SHUT UP!" Erika screamed. "And you have man hands!"

"What?" now Maggie was just plain confused.

"Bring him here. Please?" Erika batted her eyelashes.

"Fine." Kazoo sighed, and, in a puff of purple smoke, the Phantom of the Opera/ O.G./ Trapdoor lover/ Living corpse/ Erik himself appeared.

It was the Gerry!Phantom (just because he's well known. I don't favor one Phantom over the other). For the non-phangirls out there, half of his handsome face showing, the other half hidden under a startlingly white mask as his eyes burned into Erika's.

Erika gazed lovingly over his black-clad body, down from his dark hair (which is a wig, but lets not get fussy), past his beautiful eyes, and all the way down to his shoes. She noted with glee that he held the Punjab Lasso in his sexy hands.

"Erik," she sighed, her voice shaking in what I have come to call a "Phangasm" (the definition is on my home-page thinger) as she fell to her knees, "I love you!"

The Phantom raised his visible eyebrow in recognition.

"I," she went on, "Am totally obsessed with you. I know all the songs in the musical by heart, I've memorized dialogue from the book, I own both the 2004 movie and **The Phantom of the Paradise,** and I have a Raoul voodoo doll which I stab with pins constantly…"

As Erika went on to describe her undying love for the Phantom, he turned and glared at Kazoo. "Why did you bring me here?" he growled, looking past Maggie as she blinked at him. "I have enough trouble with phangirls as it is! And this-" he pointed to Maggie, "Is that a Mary-Sue?"

"A who in the what now?" Kazoo asked, feeling slightly confused and finally understanding the feeling that Maggie had every day.

"… And I would never touch your mask without permission," Erika was still speaking, "Because I love you just as you are, because I know that there's more to you than your looks…"

"Why are you wearing a mask?" Maggie asked.

Erik's gaze shifted to her. Maggie, with her beautiful, curling hair and shining eyes, looked like a Mary-Sue, as I said earlier. In fact, Sues ran in Maggie's father's side of the family.

So, being the sexy masked man with a cape that he is, Erik had had his share of Sues and was, naturally, wary of them.

By now, Erika had stopped talking and could see what was about to happen. "Raise your hand to the level of your eyes." She whispered to Kazoo.

Kazoo blinked at her, and then did as he was told.

Meanwhile, Maggie found herself entranced by the bright white of Erik's mask. She drew closer and closer to him, reaching her hand towards his face.

"You're so nice…" she crooned.

The wideness of her eyes and the hypnotized look about her reminded Erik of his long-lost love, Christine. He held the lasso loosely in his hands, watching as Maggie came towards him.

Maggie was now able to touch him and she put a hand on the good side of his face. "Hello, my name is Maggie!" she giggled.

Erik blinked at her. She was certainly strange. "Hello…"

"What's your name?" she asked.

"My name is Erik."

"You're my tutor's imaginary friend!" Maggie shouted.

And with that, she ripped off his mask.

She ripped off his mask.

Okay, this is important, so I'll say it again: SHE RIPPED OFF HIS MASK.

And insanity ensued.

You see, Erik is deformed on the right side of his face. It's a rather large deformity, red in color, and it looks as though his face is melting. So, naturally, Erik is slightly… shall we say… sensitive about said deformity.

"Curse you!" Erik shouted, and he covered his face with his hand and reached for his lasso.

"Stupid kid!" Erika shouted, and she pushed Maggie out of the way with her free hand just as the lasso came whizzing through the air. The loop fell over Erika's head, but, luckily for her, she had her hand at the level of her eyes and the lasso couldn't tighten enough to kill her.

Kazoo took this moment to make Erik disappear in a puff of purple smoke, leaving not a trace of him behind… except for the white mask in Maggie's hand.

"YOU IDIOT!" Erika shouted. "HOW COULD YOU? Poor Erik…" she snatched up her things. "I can't help you. I hope you fail math."

With that, she stomped away.

Kazoo sighed and looked down at Maggie, who was kneeling on the ground and pressing the mask to her face. "LOOK!" she cried, "I'm the Phantom!"

Kazoo shook his head and sank to his "knees" (remember, he has a wisp of smoke instead of legs), putting his head in his hands as he uttered to simple words:

"Why me?"


	5. Of Pirates and Boyfriends

**Of Pirates and Boyfriends… **

We all, by now, are well aware of the adventures that Maggie and her genie, Kazoo, have had. Not much time has passed since the two met. But Kazoo has spent enough time with Maggie to know that any amount of time with the little idiot was unhealthy.

So, he was surprised and, admittedly, confused when she came home from school one day with a strange glitter in her eye and announced, "I have a boyfriend!"

In fact, he was so surprised that he fell from his chair.

"WHAT?"

"I have a boyfriend." She twirled a strand of hair around her finger as he spoke. "He's taking me to see the second Pirates of the Caribbean movie tonight."

"… Is he insane?" Kazoo asked.

"Not that I know of. Oh, Kazoo, I'm so excited! I'm going to have so much fun. I'd better get ready. La, la, la!" With that, she bounded off like a great stupid gazelle.

Kazoo cocked his head in a wondering way, wondering how in the heck the little bimbo found herself a man. But, when the boy in question arrived at the doorstep two hours later, he could guess.

The boy in question was about six feet tall, thin as a rail with blond hair and empty blue eyes, and a hint of facial hair beginning to appear on his chin and lips. He was dressed as a pirate, gold belt buckle in all, and when he grinned, two gold teeth showed.

"Ahoy, mate!" the boy said, walking into the house without even being invited, "I be Captain John Robin, king of the seven seas. Argh!"

Unfortunately, a few drops of spit flew out of John's mouth, along with his proclamation, and Kazoo gave him a salty sort of stare while he wiped it off. "Lovely…"

"Oh, John!" Suddenly, Maggie ran down the stairs, dressed like a pirate wench, "I've been looking foreword to this forever. You look handsome!"

"Why, thank ye, luv." John grinned. "You don't look too bad yourself, eh?"

Kazoo sighed. "Yes, well, I believe you know the drill. Have her back at a reasonable time, yada yada…" he pushed the two out of the nouse. "BEGONE, FOUL TEENAGERS!"

He locked the door behind them. The house was still, strangely so. Kazoo was used to Maggie's idiotic ramblings at this hour.

"I'm free," he breathed. Raising his hands to the heavens, he repeated, "I'M FREE!"

-

Fifteen minutes later, Maggie came back to the house, mascara smeared over her cheeks, hair in a tangled mess over her shoulder, visibly disgruntled.

Kazoo groaned. "Aren't you supposed to be out with that idiot boy?"

"No." she plopped down beside him. "He wrecked my night."

"How so?"

"He called my 'bonny lass'." She growled.

Kazoo blinked at her. "What?"

"He called me 'bonny lass'!" she fumed. "How dare he?"

"… Do you… even know what 'bonny lass' means?" Kazoo asked.

"No." she replied.

"… Then why are you insulted?"

"BECAUSE HE DIDN'T SAY IT LIKE CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW SAID IT!" She screamed. "He made it sound all weird and teenagerie! It sucked." She made a sighing noise and settled back down as Kazoo inched away from her. "I wish Captain Jack Sparrow was here with me."

Kazoo's eyes widened. "No. Not that drunk fool. You can't! You mustn't-" but he automatically began to grant her wish. And, momentarily, Jack Sparrow was in the room with them.

His hair was ratty as ever, covered by his sexy tri-cornered hat and red bandana. His clothed where filthy and he held a bottle of rum in one hand. His boots where leaving muddy prints on the beige carpeting, but Maggie didn't care.

"OH MY GOD, CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW!" She screamed.

Jack only just seemed to notice her then. Giving her his half-smile and tilting his head in that way that he had, he said, "Allo, luv."

Maggie exploded with movement at that moment, speaking in a high voice that no one understood and dragging Jack along with her to her room. Kazoo winced as their tramping feet could be heard going up the stairs and he regarded the muddy footprints with distaste.

"This can't end well." He muttered.

-

**Oh, do I detect a two-part chapter? Or something along those lines?**

**Hey, my loyal reviewers, I'm back. I won't be updating often by any means, but I will update occasionally. I feel like I've aged so much over the summer!**

**I've gained a new obsession: Pirates of the Caribbean, and, more importantly, Davy Jones. He's awesome and I don't care what you say!**

**Well, I've updated, so I beleive that deserves a review. I'll be expecting at least three emails in my inbox by tomorrow!**


	6. Liar's Dice

**"Liar's Dice"**

I'm sure that we can all agree that we'd be surprised if we came home one day and found that our child/ sibling / parent was sitting in their room with a well-known pop icon. As was the case when Maggie's mother came home with a jug of milk in her hand.

At first, she didn't know exactly what was wrong _per say_, but the muddy footprints leading to Maggie's room did alert her to the fact that something was definitely up. Walking past a crestfallen Kazoo, she made her way up the stairs and opened the door.

"... And then, using rope that I made with the hair on my back," Jack Sparrow, everyone's favorite alcoholic, was saying, "I roped a couple o' sea-turtles and used 'em to get off the blasted island and back to Tortuga."

"Oh, Jack!" Maggie sighed, leaning into him and taking hold of his hand, "That's so heroic!"

Maggie's mother, whom we shall name Susan to save me from typing "Maggie's Mother" over and over again, dropped the milk. Upon hitting the floor, the jug tore down one side and a white river made its way across the hardwood floor.

"What in the name of god is going on here?" Susan cried.

Jack looked Susan up and down. Though she was a little over forty, she was almost as pretty as her stupid daughter. And, on the upside, she was intelligent. And the fact that Jack was drunk as a metaphorical skunk made her seem like a goddess.

"Well," he said, winking at her, "Allo, luv."

"Don't mind her, Jack!" Maggie cried, "She's my evil stepmother. She's Evil!"

"Is that so..." Jack grinned in that crooked way that he had and tipped his hat to Susan.

"I am in fact her birth mother and I am nothing of the sort." Susan sighed. Then, a thought struck her: her sixteen-year-old daughter was alone in her room with a sexy pirate. Evil or no, she had to put a stop to that. "Listen, why don't the two of you come into the kitchen and we'll... talk... I'm sure I have something with alchahol in it..."

Now, as we all know, Jack is not exactly what we'd call "University Educated". He's not good with long words and he rarely makes sense. But, if there's one word that Jack understands completely, and that word is ALCHOHOL. Thus, he stood, swaying slightly, and went for the door.

"Well, that sounds lovely... come along, Maggie, and we'll have some rum." He called over his shoulder.

"Yay! Rum!" Maggie screamed, running down to the kitchen so she could get a seat by Jack.

-

While the two... erm... ah... people... sat in the kitchen, waiting patiently for their rum, Susan grabbed Kazoo by his pointed purple ear and hauled him into the living room.

"Why in the name of god would you let her bring a _pirate_ here?" she hissed.

"Well, uh..." Kazoo blinked, shrugging in an embarrassed way. "I can't exactly help it..."

"What am I going to do with a full-grown drunken pirate?" Susan asked.

"... EBay?" he suggested.

"I'm talking seriously. One rambling idiot is all I need in this house." Susan ran her hands through her hair. "I don't know what-"

"WE WANT RUM!" Maggie's loud scream came from the kitchen, "WE WANT RUM! WE WANT RUM! WE WANT RUM!"

She sighed. "I'll be back."

When Susan entered the Kitchen, she found Jack and Maggie sitting side by side, Jack running his hand over her white table-cloth and leaving smudges of brown.

Taking a breath, she said, "So, um... I don't have any rum, but I do have vodka..." Jack made a face, but she quickly added, "It's alchahol..."

"VODKA!" Now both Jack and Maggie chanted, "WE WANT VODKA!"

Sighing, Susan got out two glasses and her beverage mixer. She made Maggie's first, with Sprite instead of Vodka (Maggie was too stupid to know the difference) and using some blue-raspberry flavoring to make it sweet. She did the same for Jack, using Vodka, and then just poured a glass of Vodka plain for herself. Hey, for unwittingly bringing a holy terror like Maggie into the world and then putting up with her, she deserved it.

Jack stared into his cup. "What about the alchahol, mate?" He asked, his voice sullen as he stared into the blue mix.

"That is alchahol." Susan replied, downing half of her drink. "It has sweet things in it, too."

"SWEET THINGS!" Maggie shouted.

Jack shrugged, deciding that he could at least try it. That lead to a strange and unfortunate discovery: Jack Sparrow loves blue-raspberry martinis. In an instant, Jack drank the contents of his glass and then lunged for Maggie's drink.

"NO!" Maggie shrieked, inching away from him.

Susan sighed, going back for the vodka and martini mix. Dumping both into Jack's glass as he looked on with a greedy expression, she said, "Maggie, I can see that you're very attatched to this... uh... Jack..."

"I LOVE HIM!" Maggie shouted, cuddling up to said pirate.

"Hey, watch the ru- alchahol, mate." Jack muttered, downing the contents of his glass.

"Well, uh... we're going to have to, uh... get rid of him." Susan said.

"WHAT?" Maggie shreiked.

"We just can't keep a pirate around the house."

"I don't care! I wished for him, so I get to keep him!" Maggie cried. "I'm his bonny lass..."

Jack made an incorherant sound and reached for the vodka and blue mix. Susan just passed it to him, knowing that he's stay lucid so long as he was drunk.

"Well, you can just see his movie when you miss him..."

"NEVER!" Maggie huddled in closer with Jack. "HE'S MINE!"

Susan was about to argue when she thought of something. Something that could both shut up Maggie and get rid of Jack...

"Excuse me a second," she said, and then she left the room.

-

Kazoo was "magicing" the dirt from the carpet when Susan ran into the living room, cordless telephone in hand.

"Has she wished for anything yet?" Kazoo asked.

"No, not yet." Susan dialed a number. "But I think we'll be rid of the pirate in a moment... hello?" she spoke into the phone now, "Hello, Brooke? Is that you? Listen, I need a favor... can you come over for a second?" she paused. "Yes, that would be fine. Thanks."

Susan hung up and grinned.

"Who's Brooke?" Kazoo asked.

"She's someone who can handle Maggie when I can't." Susan sighed in relief. "She'll be here any moment..."

-

Five minutes later, the doorbell rang. Kazoo went to get it but was beaten by Susan, who practically sprinted there. When she opened the door, she greeted someone and a girl entered.

The girl was about twenty seven or so, with long auburn hair falling freely over her shoulders. She was about five foot eleven, on the thin side, with plain features and long limbs. Her twinkling green eyes where covered by black-framed glasses and she smiled shyly when she entered.

"Oh, thank you so much for coming." Susan sighed, ushering the girl in quickly. "Kazoo, this is Brooke. She baby-sat Maggie when she was younger, and now she's a kindergarten teacher. Brooke, this is Kazoo, the genie I told you about."

Brooke smiled. "Hi."

Something, it seemed to Kazoo, was terribly wrong with him, because he couldn't get a single word out. He just smiled like an idiot as Brooke was pulled into the living room.

"Alright, Brooke, here's the problem." Susan sighed, running her hands through her hair. "Maggie's found this... pirate... and she won't get rid of him. She'd have to wish him away, and I've made no headway convincing her... Kazoo can't do anything, and I don't think I can stand having _two_ babbling idiots in the same house."

"Ah..." Brooke folded her long hand under her chin and thought. "That's a tricky one... who's the Pirate?"

"Jack Sparrow."

"Captain." Brooke corrected in spite of herself. "Alright, let's see... Captain Jack's enemies are Captain Barbossa... but there's very little chance that she'll wish for him... and then there's Davy Jones, but he can't go on land more than once every ten years. And if we simply wish him away, she'll wish him back. So... of course, Jack's first love his the _Black Pearl, _but there's little chance that she'd let him leave for it when she could always wish him up a replica..." turning to Kazoo, she asked, "Does she have an infatuation with pirates?"

Kazoo managed to snap himself into a somewhat more intelligent state. "Uh... yes..."

"Hmm... then, I would suggest a game of liar's dice." Brooke said, straightening up.

"What?" Susan asked.

"It's an old game, traced back to the Incas." she replied. "They play it in Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest. It's simple, really: each person has four or five dice and a cup. You throw your dice onto the table and then cover it with a cup before anyone can see. You glance over your dice and see what you have. Then you have to state what you have, like 'three threes'. You can lie and say that you have four threes when you only have three, but if you're called a liar and it's proven that you lied, you lose. If you're called a liar and it's proven that you didn't lie, you win."

"Ah... but how do I get her to play?"

"You don't. I do." Brooke stood and stretched. "I've been playing lairs dive for years. I can beat her. You just bring us our dice and cups."

And with that, Brooke went into the kitchen.

-

"Hi, Maggie." Brooke said, closing the door behind her and sitting close to the pirate and his "bonny lass". Jack paid her on heed and went on in his mission of finishing the vodka.

"What are _you_ doing here?" Maggie asked.

"I'm here to play a game with you." Brooke said, smiling. "A pirate game."

"Pirates..." Jack mumbled.

"Oh, a pirate game?" Maggie asked, clapping her hands in excitement.

"Yes." Brooke said, interlacing her long fingers and looking over them at her soon-to-be victim. "It's called 'liars dice'."

"Oh, how do we play?"

Brooke explained the rules carefully, making sure not to rush her words or use anything too big. After all, there was no honor in the trickery of one's opponent.

As she did so, Kazoo inched into the room carrying two black cups and ten die. He set the cups on the table next to Brooke and stood... er... floated next to her. Susan followed soon after.

"So, do you think you can play that?" Brooke asked.

"Sure I can!" Maggie said excitedly.

"Then," Brooke said, "We should make it interesting. It's a betting game, after all. How about this: If I win, I get to make a wish with your genie here, whatever I want, and you have to let it come true. And you can't un-wish it or anything, alright?"

"What if I win?" Maggie asked.

"Then you get this." With that, Brooke pulled at a chain around her neck and a gold pirate medallion came into view. "Now, are you ready?"

"Yes." Maggie replied, her voice decisive.

"Good. Then we'll begin." Brooke turned towards Kazoo, lifting the dice and cups from the table. "Thank you, Kazoo. Wish me luck."

"Good luck..." Kazoo mumbled.

Both girls rolled their dice. Brooke snatched them up in her cup with expert precision and stole a quick glance. "Two threes."

"YAHTZEE!" Maggie shouted.

"Oh, dear god..." Susan moaned, burying her face in her hands. "I can't watch this."

Brooke re-explained the rules to Maggie and the game began again. This time, Maggie caught on and it went smoothly.

Kazoo was sweating... or, at least, he would have been if he could. But Brooke knew what she was doing, and eventually the die where cast for the last time.

"Four twos." Brooke said.

"Three ones!" Maggie shouted.

There was a tense moment as Brooke studied Maggie's face. Then, she said, "Liar."

"I AM NOT!" Maggie shouted.

"Then let me see your dice." Brooke replied simply.

"... No..." Maggie simpered.

"Let me see."

"No."

"Maggie," Brooke leaned in, "Pirates _never_ go back on their word. It's sacred, like the very ship they sail on. And cheating, instead of showing me your dice to prove me wrong or right, is breaking your word. Right, Jack?"

"Parlay..." Jack muttered to himself.

Maggie's eyes traveled from her mother, to Brooke, to Kazoo, to Jack, and then back to Brooke. "Fine." she pulled the cup away, revealing a one, a two, a three, a four, and a five. "You win."

"Good." Brooke smiled. "Then I get a wish that you can't turn around on me." Turning to Kazoo, she said, "I wish that Captain Jack Sparrow was back on the _Black Pearl_ so he can never come back here."

"The _Pearl_..." Jack murmured happily, as both he and Susan's vodka where blinked out of existence.

"NO!" Maggie shouted, reaching for the spot where the filthy pirate had been only moments earlier. "JACK!"

"And that," Brooke said, leaning back in her chair with a self-satisfied grin, "Is how to play liars dice."

-

**Alright, I'm not sure if those are the rules that Davy and his crew adhere to, but those are the rules I found on the internet.**

**Hurrah, Jack is back on the Pearl! And I do believe that a certian genie has a crush on Brooke... perhaps the two of them should go out one day, hmmm? Poor Kazoo, he needs a date without a crazy like Maggie around. It would be a good break for him. **

**And thanks for all four of your reviews. Don't I feel special! **

**Remember, every time you don't review, god kills a pirate. So please... (_Jack Sparrow is pushed in_) think of the pirates!**


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